I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
