I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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