I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
