If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
