Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Acid is not a monday night drug
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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