Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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