Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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