He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
