I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
