I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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