My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
