He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you win again, gameday.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
