I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
