I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
