i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
