I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
