shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
