love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
