At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
