i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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