Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
