Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Randomize
