I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
