Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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