I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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