Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
