I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
