Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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