I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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