Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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