My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
