The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
