I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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