this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
