tequila makes me forget i have legs
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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