Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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