He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
