return my video game
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
