Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
