Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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