You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Randomize
