a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
