The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
