it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
