i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
