I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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