not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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