I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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