Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
