This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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